First, the Why.
This idea was sent to me at email@example.com by Subscriber Mousey Catastrophe. She wanted me to write a marijuana inspired rendition of The Three Little Pigs. Here is the Result.
The Three Stoner Pigs
Once upon a time there was a family of pigs who lived in a field of pot plants. There was a Mrs. Pig, a Mr. Pig and three Pig Bros. The Pig Bros were too old to live at home with their parents any longer, so Mr. and Mrs. Pig told them to kick rocks and start their lives.
On the other side of the big pot field was a forest, and in the forest lived the Big Bad Wolf, AKA Moochie. He was a scurge on the neighborhood, always wanting to get something for nothing, throwing his weight around and man, when that guy got the munchies…Watch Out!
So the three Pig Bros were sitting just off the path that went through the middle of the big pot field, smoking a fatty blunt and trying to decide what to do. The oldest of the three bros was like “man, we gotta build a nice sturdy house. We can use those big bricks of hash over there.” But his middle brother looked at the big stack of hash bricks and knew it would take a seriously long time to build a house big enough for all three of them and their stashes.
The middle bro was like “No way, dude, that’ll take forever and a day. Let’s just stack the sticks up and stick them together with this barrel of wax.” The youngest, and laziest, of the bros started shaking his head before his older bro was even done talking. He didn’t want to use the bricks or the sticks, both of those were too much work for him.
The youngest laziest stoner pig bro was like “You’re both trippin’, let’s just build a hut out of buds and leaves!” he exclaimed, super proud of his idea. Fighting ensued amongst the bros and they each ended up going their own way. The youngest laziest pig bro built his little hut out of pot leaves and big sticky buds. It only took him a few minutes and then he crawled inside to take a nap. But it wasn’t long before Mooch came by and, spying the hut made out of freshly cut and dried weed, approached sneakily.
He started picking all of the buds from the youngest pig bros hut! When he had picked off enough to twist up a blunt or two he sat down outside the hut and did just that. He had picked off enough of the big sticky buds that the youngest pig bro woke up with the sun in his eyes and smelled the smell of someone smoking up his house! Without the buds there, the house started to shake and shimmy and the youngest pig bro ran right out the back and ran to his older brother’s house in a jiffy.
When the bros had split up the middle brother had gone and built his little shack out of sticks and wax. It had taken him a little while but the sticks were light and the wax was sticky enough to hold them together real nice. He was just lighting up his torch to do some dabs of leftover wax when his brother came barging in without some much as a knock on the door. The youngest pig bro caught his breath, then he was like “That wolf Mooch smoked up my hut, bro, can I crash with you?”
“You bet, man, you can always crash here.” the middle pig bro said, happily thinking to himself how his idea was best after all. But it wasn’t long before that bastard Mooch came by and saw all the wax holding the shack together. He started scraping it all up to save for later, and while he was doing it the pigs inside could here the wolf’s stomach start to growl. He was getting hungry! Smoking the youngest pig’s hut had given him a wicked case of the munchies!
The two pig bros fled just as the stick shack started to tremble and dance. They ran to their oldest bro’s house made of sturdy hash bricks. They banged on the door until their oldest brother came and unlocked it, his red rimmed eyes narrowed to slits and the smoke pouring out of his well sealed little house. He let his brothers in and stood smugly while they huffed and puffed to catch their breath.
They both started talking at once and the older brother was like “shut up guys, Mooch can’t do anything to my hash brick house, these bricks are the way to go.” He was proud that his house was the last one standing and he knew that old stoner wolf would never have the stamina to take it apart brick by brick. The three little stoner pigs were safe from the big stoned and hungry wolf so they sat down and shared a bowl in the hooka before they went to bed.
The big stoned wolf, Mooch, had fallen asleep halfway to the house made of bricks and by the time he woke up he had forgotten all about the fat little stoned pig bros. He went home to eat hot pockets, with his pockets stuffed to overflowing with the remains of the first two pig bro’s houses.
Well there ya go, Mousey, I hope you enjoyed. I hope the rest of you enjoyed too…See? I can write anything, LOL.